Snortin Something Foreign

In response to endless requests, I am writing an article on a style that is becoming all the rage: Bean in the Nose. This new fashion is spreading through the streets as quick as cocaine through my veins.

Bean in the Nose is most likely an offspring of the traditional bean dishes made in Central and South America. Young and wealthy whites have a fetish for poverty-stricken cultures (see hip-hop). An American tourist probably noticed a struggling native who had inadvertently snorted a bean; inevitably the white person was intrigued by the savages. On returning home, the American would show off his newfound knowledge of these weaker countries. In progressive American culture, it is popular to appear as worldly and cultured as possible (See Obama, (red) products). As the popular hip-hop ensemble Kids Kidz Bay stated, “then i get upset because theres a bean in my nose nose heeyyy nose nose heyy”. Bean in the Nose is spreading quickly through urban hobbies such as hip-hop and crack-smoking.

Bean in the Nose comes in many styles: green bean, fava bean, cocoa bean, coffee bean, refried bean and jelly bean to name a few. Some say it’s just a fad, but that’s what they said about hip-hop. Today we see hip-hop on top of the music market, soon enough Bean in the Nose will be in top clothing retailers.

However, Bean in the Nose is not quite perfect. Much like other popular fashions such as tattoos and piercing, Bean in the Nose has considerable repercussions. The most serious consequence is that the bean could become lodged in the nostril and potentially permanent. Kids And Health: A bean up the nose is nothing to sneeze at states that the bean “can absorb moisture and swell” and in certain cases “a physician can use suction to remove” it. Another popular book called the Dictionary states that, “Bean…in…the…nose…[is] prone…to…infections” and “can…cause…lung disease”. Also, other consequences are that it will smell bad to you all day and that you can only snort cocaine in one nostril.

Only time will tell whether this craze will continue to block the nasal passage or whether it will be sneezed out over time.

-Theo

One Hobbit to Rule Them All

With the Hobbit now in its early production stages, Lord of the Rings fans are pulling those old Gimli costumes out, rewatching the movies, rereading the books, and most certainly touching up on their Elvish language. Bringing out the inner geek in me, which most would argue is not inner at all, the mention of this new movie has made even me want to spend some time with Arwen Undomiel. But more importantly, i think i can speak for all of us when i say, “i want to kill some fucking orcs.”

Now what I am wondering is why they just didn’t make the hobbit first, and then cast lord of the rings after they had already set the groundwork with the hobbit. This seems to be quite reminiscent of George Lucas’ choice to make the first 3 star wars’ after 4, 5, and 6. What was the man thinking when he made those new ones? Apart from filling in the gaps, i want my 30 dollars back. The hobbit will be different…

Bringing back both Gandalf and Gollum, The Hobbit will not let us down. It is set to come out in 2010, and i will not be missing the opening night for anything. Its just never the same without dressing up…

In the past they have attempted to recreate the hobbit, in forms such as an awful video game in 2003 and as a cartoon in 1977 but as George Lucas has taught us, the director makes the movies (Should be read in the same way as the phrase, “the suit makes the man” to clarify. I’m not just trying to say he directs them). Peter Jackson as not a director, but a producer, will hopefully make a fantastic prequel, and in this manner obtain dominance over George Lucas’ creation.

This brings us to an important debate. Which will have more staying power, LOTR or Star Wars? Most movie connoisseurs would slap me for this, and I’m sure i will hear a mouthful from fellow bloggers Paul and Nathan, but in my opinion, if The Hobbit is successful, JRR. Tolkein’s Legacy will prove the victor in the end.

But we must look from both angles in this debate. Star Wars was an innovation to the genre of Science Fiction movies, much as Ross has been to the genre of thuggin bitches. Star Wars was groundbreaking in the department of special fx and became both a key component of pop culture of the late 70’s early 80’s and an essential aspect of each and every one of our lives. It showed us every emotion that an average individual will go through at some point in their lives. You may be condemned to death in the jaws of the mighty Sarlacc by Jabba the Hutt, and must use your intuition and physical attributes to escape, or you may be forced to use the force (note the word choice) by Yoda and lift a X-Wing from the swamps of Dagobah. In either case, both of which i have personally encountered, i would have been helpless without my knowledge of the Star Wars Trilogy.

Lord of the Rings, while not offering advice for situations that could really happen, like Star Wars, still wins out in the end. With comparably fantastic acting, more impressive modern special effects, Samwise Gamgee, a more developed plot, and its own real languages created by JRR Tolkein, it will, after the release of the hobbit, will quite outdo Star Wars. Although not being as epic of the experience, the Lord of the Rings dynasty is a better experience for the watcher than is the dual-trilogy pack of Star Wars. I ain’t gonna lie, and i gonna be honest with ya, i really liked Samwise…

To all you elven gals and dwarfish fellas, I will see you in 2010… You can count on it.

- Rick

The Legend of Elmo GiigGz

  

eLmO GiigGz has become a bay area icon. Elmo refers to the fuzzy red Sesame Street character that is very ticklish. A gig is defined as “A scandalous female…a slut.”, but as a verb, to gig is “to have rhythm in dance, to be able to dance and excel in it.” Combined, his name is either a tribute to the post-sesame-street years of Elmo’s prostitution or an acknowledgement of the dance skills of Elmo.

Perhaps “Tickle Me Elmo” was asking for more than a tickle on the belly.  

Elmo’s move consist of rolling on the floor laughing and sitting on the floor laughing

The legendary eLmO GiigGz oF tha TURFJERKz is a bay area turf dancer who became famous through turf battles and Youtube. He also goes by SiiLLY BOII and Swiiper but his real name is Mark. He earned the name Swiiper because, “alot of n****s say ii steal moves and yump iits tru”. He appears to be in a relationship with another student Adriana, who he describes as “super duper quadrooper BEAUTiiFUL”.

Turf dancing is a bay area dance associated with hyphy rap and smooth “poppin” movements. GiigGz’s legacy is documented on youtube. He has switched production companies from $lap a B!tch Ent to gOoF tRoOp PRODUKTiiONz. GiigGz has released numerous videos displaying the “turfing” of the TURFJERKz over popular hyphy slapps. In this clip, GiigGz displays a few of his moves:

In his posts, eLmO himself has made statements such as “WE BUSSSHT!” and “COMMENT OUR SHiiT!!”

In response, he receives comments such as:

“yA’LL G0tZ GiiGGz!! SUMB0Dii nEEdA tEACH mE H0w tA tURF CuZ ii’M tRYNA lEArN’”

“BLOOD YALL GOT DUM ASS GiiGS!!!

            Upon being asked where the Turfjerks live, eLmO answered “we 4um sacramento”. Sacramento is the home of the Kings, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the Turfjerks. Another of GiigGz’s talents is performing hat tricks. In this clip he is “aT skOo jUss bEiiN hEllAh bOrEd & dUmMy 23” and then he executes the hat flip.

            The rising dancer continues to receive more and more attention. Several of his videos have been viewed over 25,000 and have over 100 comments. As long as he stays giiggin, he will be on the national stage in no time.

-Theo

Top 10 Hottest Exercise Women

10. Jon Chao

Jon Chao is undoubtedly the hottest Asian ever. He would be on top of this list if only he were an exerciser.

9. Biking girl

This biker has a distinct talent for being hot. Her weakness is that she is not a distinguished exercise mogul.

8. Bowflex people

At one time or another, we have all yearned to call that infomercial number. Cuz if we called within five minutes, you could order a bowflex for not $1000, not even $500, but just 17 easy payments of $100!

7. Theo Schear

What a hottie. I love the way he works them thighs.

6. Internet Stripper

Is there anything hotter than an internet stripper?

5. Jane Fonda

Jane Fonda happens to be a famous actress, but her real skills remain in the realm of exercise.

4. Suzanne Somers

Suzanne Somers is to exercise, as Tupac is to rap. She is a classic and an OG. Her technique is spotless and she flows like a freshwater stream, cascading though jungles and ending at a delta. At this point, the freshwater stream is mixed with the saltwater of the ocean. The ocean is a vast body of water.

3. Richard Simmons

Richard Simmons is the elite worker outer. He knows all the steps, all the exercises, but most of all, his body is da bomb. Yum

2. Denise Austin

Truthfully, I had never heard of Denise Austin until I found her in Google images. I was immediately struck by her looks. After some intense research, it turns out that she has a long line of workout videos and products. She is legendary in the exercise market for being super atractive.

1. Carmen Electra

I think it would be appropriate to just post pictures.

Your welcome

-Theo

The Defensive Prowess of Bruce Bowen

The unsung hero of the Spurs: Bruce Bowen. He has been known throughout the league for is incredible defensive play, but lots of fans do not know of his on-court contributions to the NBA Champion Spurs. The San Antonio Spurs (who many people accuse of being the most boring team in the NBA Playoffs) play a fundamentally sound flavor of basketball. They play great team defense and run a nice half-court offense through the steady contributions of French international point guard, Tony Parker, Argentinian shooting guard, Manu Ginobili, and the ever so consistent all-star power forward/center, Tim Duncan.

Although these are the three star players for the Spurs, they get solid contributions from other role players. They get good three-point shooting off the bench from veteran shooting guard/small forward, Michael Finley. They also get solid post-defense and rebounding from mid-season acquisition, Kurt Thomas. But most of all, they get solid play from their starting small forward: Bruce Bowen.

No, Bowen is not in the game to score a lot of points. And no, Bowen is not in the game to get rebounds, or even assists. Bowen is in the game for his great Defense. He has been named to the NBA’s All-Defensive First Team four times (during the 2003-2004 season, 2004-2005 season, 2005-2006 season, and the 2006-2007 season), the NBA’s All-Defensive Second Team three times (during the 2000-2001 season, 2001-2002 season, and 2002-2003 season), and has been the runner-up for the NBA Defensive Player of the Year award twice (in the 2004-2005 season and the 2005-2006 season, both times losing out to Ben Wallace). While Bowen is in the starting lineup due to his great defense, he also provides a solid three-point jump shot for Tony parker, Manu Ginobili, or Tim Duncan to kick it out to if they are in trouble in the paint (just last night in game three he shot 4-9 from three point range).

While Bowen is still one of the top defenders in the NBA, there are some players that cannot be defended by anyone. Some players just cannot be stopped and right now, one of those players is runner-up for the 2007-2008 MVP award, Chris Paul (CP3) of the New Orleans Hornets. The Spurs had Bruce Bowen guarding CP3 for the first two games of their series against him, and he still put up amazing numbers (17 points and 13 assists in game one and 30 points and 12 assists in game two). Gregg Popavich, the Spurs’ coach realized that CP3 would put up insane numbers no matter who was guarding him, so in game three, he switched Bowen off of him and had him guarding the dangerous perimeter shooter, Peja Stojakovic. This tactic had worked for them in the regular season, and it worked for them again in game three. CP3 still put up his incredible numbers (35 points and 9 assists), but this time, Peja got shut down. He shot 2-7 from the field and only connected on one three-pointer on his way to scoring a total of 8 points. In the past two games, when he did not have Bowen guarding him, Peja put up really solid numbers offensively, scoring 22 while hitting 2 three’s in game one and scoring 25 while hitting 5 three’s in game two. He was completely shut down and unable to do what he wanted offensively in game three, all because of the great defense of Bruce Bowen.

Bruce helped the Spurs to their game three win after being blown out in the first to games. He was also one of the key contributors to the San Antonio Spurs’ three championships in 2003, 2005, and 2007.

-Jake

Who?

I thought I’d write a little bit about Blu and Exile.

These two guys might just be the return of the L.a. Underground scene. They released they debut album, Below the Heavens, in 2007, and it was listed on many critics and listeners best hip hop albums of 2007. Its definitely up there in my books, along with Cunninlynguists and Dizzee Rascals latest. When looking at the album like this, you really have to break it down to beats and rhymes.

Exile is one part young Hi-Tek, one part 9th Wonder with Little Brother, and one part Kanye West all rolled into one. From beginning to end, Below the Heavens is a study in slick beat making. Each beat fits perfectly with Blu’s smooth rhymes. The only thing it lacks is a DJ cut. I miss the DJ cut. PLEASE BRING BACK THE DJ CUT! The heavy use of looping samples, both vocal and instrumental, makes bits sound like Commons Be. One standout track as far as production goes has to be the first bonus track – “I am blue, yes I’m blue,” repeats in the background… and if you listen closely, its Grover from Sesame street. I’m always looking for fresh producers, and in Exile I found one.

The other half of the duo, Blu, (“They still spell my name *%#$ed up on they flyers, its B-L-U if you see the E drop em”) has sick flow. His voice is kinda like Murs, kinda like K-OS. His whole style is laid back; even with sometimes heavy subject matter, he keeps the mood light and the rhymes slick. His wordplay is great, up there with Masta Ace (“Hip hop, it started out in the heart”). Hes constantly giving nods to tons of different hip hop greats, like in “First Things First” when he spits rhymes about how wack the meaning of conscious hip hop is, saying when it comes to politics, like Talib, hes out of the loop. When it does get serious, he does it with a poetic style thats hard to beat. A good example comes in the middle of a great, almost song-long, verse on “Cold Hearted”:

Cold hearted and young, a dumb kid with a gun
That I got from my pops top drawer
When he left my momma twice in a week
My momma lifeless and weak, spendin’ her nights in the sheets

Blu and Exile have just gotten started. These are some young guys to watch, I’ll be keepin an eye on them.

-Walt

The Five

Just had to get this off my chest, To Clarify:

The Jackson 5 can be referred to in many ways, the Jacksons, The Jackson 5, The Jackson Five, or the Jackson 5ive, or if you’re me “The Five”

They Signed as “The Jacksons” with brothers Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, Marlon and Michael all in it. Janet was left out cause she’s a girl… and has “saggy” or “depleted” tits as was seen in 2004.

They began as the Jackson 5 but then after switching labels from Motown to CBS they changed their name to the Jacksons and replaced Jermaine with younger brother Randy.

Just had to get that one off my chest. Nice doing business.

-Rick

What is wrong with Boozer?

Recently, Carlos Boozer has not been performing up to his potential. Virtually all of his offensive stats are down from the regular season. Although his free throw percentage in the playoffs (73.5%) is extremely similar to his season free throw percentage (73.8%), he has shot horrendously from the field. He has shot a measly 48/115 from the field (41.7%), down from his remarkable season percentage of 54.7%. This 41% from the field would be alright from the perspective of a guard, or perhaps a small forward, but a big man like Boozer should be shooting much closer to the 50% range. The surprising thing about this downfall in field goal percentage is the fact that his offensive rebounds per game in the playoffs (3.6) is up by more than 1 offensive rebound per game than his regular season average of 2.4 offensive rebounds per game. Often times, offensive rebounds result in easy put-back buckets and easy points, but Boozer’s increase in offensive boards has not translated into a higher shooting percentage. This poor field goal percentage has resulted in a 6 point drop in points per game from the regular season (21.1) to the postseason (15.1).

Although Carlos seems to have dropped his scoring from the regular season, when we take a closer look, this did not just start during the playoffs. Boozer struggled mightily all throughout April. Out of any month, Boozer shot his second lowest field goal percentage (49.4%). He also had his lowest points per game average (13.9) out of any month in April (4.4 points lower than his next lowest month). As well has his points being down in the month of April, Boozer had his lowest rebounds per game average (7.4), although this has not carried over into the playoffs, as he is averaging more rebounds per game in the playoffs than he did in the regular season.

So the question we must ask ourselves, is why has Carlos Boozer been performing at such a low level of play? We must examine the match-ups he has encountered in the playoffs. In the Jazz’s first round match-up against the Houston Rockets, you would assume that Boozer wouldn’t have too difficult of a time scoring, seeing as the Rockets’ All-Star center, Yao Ming, is injured and out for the season, but, contrary to what one might initially think, Boozer had his work cut out for him. He faced an aging Dikembe Mutombo, one of the great defensive big-men of all time. Mutombo always creates tough Match-ups for opposing centers, and this time was no different. In the second round, Boozer had to face the Spanish 7 footer, Pau Gasol. These are both tough match-ups and partially explains Boozer’s offensive struggles. Looking at his demise in April, we see that he had tough match-ups there as well. He faced the Al Jefferson of the Timberwolves (their only consistently solid player), Tim Duncan TWICE (one of the most fundamentally sound defensive players in the game), Tyson Chandler (one of the top rebounders and shot blockers in the game), Erick Dampier (a seasoned veteran who plays solid defense), Marcus Camby (another premier defensive big man), and, once again, Dikembe Mutombo. Boozer has faced some of the premier defenders in the game all throughout April and into the playoffs. He also may have been wearing down from the wear and tear of a five and a half month, 82 game season (81 of which he played in, and started all of those 81 games).

Although Carlos Boozer has been playing below his potential, his skill has not been his downfall, it has been the tough defenders that he has faced and the long regular season (which he is not used to playing, because he has been very injury prone in the past).

-Jake

Do Uggs give you Juggs?

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around, does it make sound? Can god make a rock so heavy that he cannot pick it up? Is it acceptable for men to wear Uggs? These are perhaps the most universally pondered questions.

A Head-Royce constituent, Walter Gordon, has chosen to explore the idea of wearing Uggs as a man. He recently received a snuggly pair of Uggs slippers and is quite delighted with them. It seems that he is exchanging his manhood for the warmth and comfort applied to his feetsies. This brings me to ponder what is next on his agenda. Perhaps he will begin wearing tampons as well.

Gordon, who is also jewish, believes that it is tolerable to wear Uggs as long as they are not the long fuzzy kind. Only time will tell if this courageous act will be accepted by the general public.

-Theo reporting for the Blogna Sandwich

Note: Due to constriction of his feet, Gordon was forced to return the pair of slippers to get a half size higher.

Current Tunes I’m Diggin

Each week I’m going to write at least one post about my favorite artist that particular week. Of course I might write more than one (I probably will).

I gotta say, my top artist this week has to be Ras Kass.

I found two of his old CD’s in my brothers collection last week and listened to them but didn’t bother to put them on my itunes until a couple days ago. His rhymes are solid and his flow is incredible, especially considering the (sometimes annoying) amount of knowledge he seems to drop on every track. Some of his shit gets a little afrocentric for my tastes (Nature of the Threat comes to mind) but even that I can handle because of his delivery. He’s as deep as some straight up undie artists but what makes him so good is how he manages to mix that with street level gangsta raps. Only comparison that I think can do him justice both poetically and flow-ly is Nas.

Favorite song by him right now has to be Interview with a Vampire. It has him rapping from his perspective, that of God, and finally as the devil. At parts its a back and forth reminiscent of MF Grimm conversing with his dead brother on his masterpiece Scars and Memories, but the very begining is an amazing verse from Ras starting with this:

Inside my mother’s womb,doomed to return to the tomb.
Or was it from the dead I was raised?
All too soon to pay, on judgment day,
Is this beginning or the ending,
Died sinning, still winning, still grinning.

How can you not dig that? Now I just gotta track down his CD with the HRSMN… Kurupt, Killah Priest, and Canibus.

-Walt