Who ever smelt it delt it

Farts, funny in first grade, still funny now; are generally considered unsuitable in a formal environment may be considered foul or offensive in some situations. On average, homo-sapiens produce 14 farts a day; but for some, a day could translate into an hour. Farts can be awkward, hilarious, sad, confusing, dramatic, loud, quiet, wet, flat, dry, and even silent. This article will answer any questions or confusions you may have about farting.

What is a fart?

The gas in our intestines comes from several sources: air we swallow, gas seeping into our intestines from our blood, gas produced by chemical reactions in our guts, and gas produced by bacteria living in our guts. Some say that the smell of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans in the mixture; while others say that carbon dioxide is odorless and it is the actual shit particles that react with your sensory cells in your nasal cavity of vertebrates which is generally why being engulfed in someone’s shit particles can often be unpleasant and not funny.

As recently discovered, the arse hole does not have its own stereo system, speakers, and amplifiers. The sound emitted from your poop chute actually comes from vibrations of your anal opening. If one is aiming for a loud fart, velocity of the expulsion is gas is key. If you’re all about the high notes, simply tighten your sphincter muscles.

Different types of farts:

1.) The obnoxious fat guy fart

a. Standard loud fart that can range from reasonably no smell to horrendously awful. Often blamed on dogs or scooting chairs.

i. Sounds like : Phbttttttttt!

2.) The gay guy fart

a. The gay guy fart occurs from lack of vibration between the arsehole lips. Often a good signal of who takes it up the butt.

i. Sounds like : Woooosh!

3.) The louis Armstrong

a. Brassy, hard fart that sounds like something that comes out of david mangold’s trumpet. Sometimes painful, generally odorless.

i. Sounds like : Berrrrrrrrrr!

4.) The drum solo

a. A series of short, hard farts. Can last from 3-10 seconds. Often occurs when sitting on a hard flat surface (metal bench) or when walking. One of the funnier types of fart.

i. Sounds like : Brat! Brat! Patata! Tat! Brat! Bat! Berrrrr…

5.) The dud fart

a. Not a fart at all. Often a shit mistaken for a fart. Comes with an after smell of disappointment.

i. Sounds like : -_-

6.) The Jon Chao

a. Most hilarious fart of all. Low or medium pitched fart that last for at least 3 seconds with no breaks, pauses, or change in frequency or pitch.

i. Sounds like : Jannnnnnnnnnnnn…

7.) Shart

a. An expulsion of milky feces along with your not so pleasant fart. The most disgusting, unwanted fart. Happens most frequently when doing some form of exercise.

i. Sounds like : shit.

8.) The black mamba

a. The traditional hissing fart. Occurs when there is some sort of obstruction of the anus preventing normal air flow.

i. Sounds like : SSsssssSssssss

9.) The rusty gate

a. Is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. Sounds like it would have been better if it had been oiled first. Hurts.

i. Sounds like : Eeerrrrrrrr…ripppp

10.) Silent Assasin

a. The infamous silent, atrocious, tear maker, nostril stinging fart that often results in a pointing of fingers and lame lines such as “who ever smelt it delt it”.

i. Sounds like : >_<

How to get rid of farts

The best way to get rid of unwanted gas is hands down, a standard ol’ shit. If your farts are generally odorless, this does not apply to you; simply just slowly loosen your sphincter muscles so no one can hear your barking spiders. Farts only really count when they smell. As explained above, the smell of farts comes from the poop particles mixed with your CO2; so the easiest way to get rid of that is releasing your poop particles in mass quantities. Crapping. If even after a good crap, you are still baking ass biscuits it means only one thing. You capped too soon. So jump back on that John and go at it again. Gimmicks and myths like beano and plugging your butt will never work. Beano does not get rid of your gas, it simply makes it all come out in a 10 minute period of butt blurping. As for holding your farts in, don’t. You WILL explode. The longer a fart is held in, the larger the proportion of inert nitrogen it contains, because the other gases tend to be absorbed into the bloodstream through the walls of the intestine. Unless you plan on creating a massive cheek flapper, don’t hold in your farts.

Some frequently pondered questions:

Do even movie stars fart?

Yes, of course. So do grandmothers, priests, kings, presidents, opera singers, beauty queens, and nuns. Even Yoda farts. (fart, Yoda does)

Can girls fart out of their muff?

Yes, it is true! The gas that emerges is simply trapped air, for there is no gas production in the genitalia of a woman. The air can enter because the system is open to the outside. This highly specialized kind of fart is sometimes called a queef. This occurs especially frequently during the sex act, when air in the genitalia gets compressed and is forced out at high pressure.

In the British Isles, this phenomenon is known as a “fanny fart.” Whereas, in the United States, “fanny” refers to the buttocks, in Great Britain, the word pertains to the female pudenda.

Can farting be considered sexy?

Everything imaginable, and many things not imaginable, can be considered sexy by humans. However, the female southern pine beetle exudes a pheromone called frontalin in her flatus that not only serves to attract males but acts as a general gathering call to both males and females of her species. Her farts are an invitation to an orgy. Unfortunately for her, her frontalin-laden farts also attract predators.

Can you eat your own fart?

The sense of taste detects substances that are either liquid or dissolved in liquid. You can taste a fart when the fart’s constituent molecules go into solution in your saliva.

Why do shower farts smell so bad?

There are several factors. First of all, a shower is a small, enclosed space, so the fart gas is more concentrated, and the high turbidity of the air in the shower circulates the gas through the space effectively. Secondly, the high humidity and high temperature conditions in the shower enhance a person’s sense of smell and taste. The farts don’t actually smell worse, it’s just that we can smell them better than usual.
Similar conditions prevail in the bathtub.

Can you freeze your fart for later?

The water vapor component of farts would freeze quite readily, but to freeze the entire fart would require high pressure and low temperature conditions such as that used to produce dry ice. The fart’s composition would be unchanged by the process, and hence would still be smelly upon reversion to the gaseous state.

Can you get high off farts?

Hippies do this all the time when they are out of bud. Most farts contain very little oxygen, and you may experience dizziness if you are inhaling overly concentrated fart essence, simply from lack of oxygen. On the other hand, if you are inhaling farts in the open air and are breathing rapidly in order to inhale as much fart as possible, you may be hyperventilating, which also induces dizziness.

That is all for now

- Jason

~ by jaysunsteeyo on May 18, 2008.