There Can Only Be One

A follow up to the Reattachment Movement

Look At This Fool

So I was scrolling through facebook one night. Then I came across this ridiculous profile picture.  I think it is necessary to admire the masterful douchebaggyness displayed by this young person.

What a phailor

Too Funny Not To Share

Booty Meat: A Feminist Expression

A new craze has broken out in the urban hip-hop/internet community. Soulja Boy, a young entrepreneur, has become our generation’s biggest icon. His debut album Souljaboytellem.com featuring “Crank That (Soulja Boy)” was a smash hit. His success has led him to create a clothing line called Yums and a cartoon series to come out in the future.

His most recent trend was initiated by his song called “Booty Meat”. Soulja Boy is effective in starting trends because of his repetition. He restates the phrase “booty meat” 75 times during the song, he even spells it out for you.

The song has spurred a plethora of females to upload tasteful and artistic films. The videos commonly feature a close-up view of a women’s badonkadonk jiggling to the beat of a song.

Booty meat can be interpreted in many ways. Conservative critics consider this to be degrading and immature. However, I believe that it is an expression of beliefs and values. Where else can a women be recognized for shaking dat ass up and down on the floor? In a culture where women are generally expected to do housework only, there is not much room for self-expression. Therefore, I support the effort of Soulja Boy to bring out the wholesome and creative qualities of women throughout kitchens worldwide.

This is just another example of how women are beginning to have more self-respect. It leads me to believe that Soulja Boy is the modern equivalent of Susan B. Anthony or Rosie the Riveter.

The message that I am trying to communicate is that women should have a chance to express themselves in other ways than cooking. It is necessary to allow women to articulate their feelings sometimes, whether it is sports, music, art, or even bouncing dat ass.

We Are Famous! Thank You Carmen Electra

There has been a recent fluctuation in Blogna Sandwich views. Because of the high-quality writing is spreading rapidly throughout the internet? No, we are not even writing anymore. In fact, our fame is a result of one brilliant photo:

Carmen Electra

I cant find it anymore…..*crying*

The Jon Chao Fetish

            The birds and the bees are emerging from hibernation as spring love is blooming throughout the Head-Royce community. Like a tulip, a relationship is blossoming between Jon Chao and Lydia Glenn-Murray.

            However, this relationship is quite unusual. Jon, a natural playboy, is playing a mysterious card. Two theories have emerged about his strategies:

1. Playing Hard to Get

Jon continually acts as if he does not enjoy Lydia’s attempts to lull him. This strategy has been successful so far, seeing as it has been both frustrating and mystifying to Lydia. 

2. Avoiding Commitment

Lydia, a wholesome girl with good morals (lol), has a distinct and unusual fetish. This fixation is known as the Jon Chao fetish. Having a Jon Chao fetish is common among teenage Head-Royce students named Theo and Lydia.  

He may want to avoid getting tied down to one girl, in an attempt to maintain his spontaneous affairs. However, a relationship with Ms. Glenn-Murray could be quite desirable because of her great work ethic and innocence.

The other day, the relationship was taken to a new level as the whole crowd at the A’s game chanted for Jon. He finally gave up and allowed the audience to take his picture with Lydia.

Only time will tell how this situation will work out. Except for Lydia, this would be the cutest couple ever.

-Theo

Top 5 Under appreciated Pairings

5. MF Doom + MF Grimm: Both established as great MC’s (and sometimes producers), the albums put out by these two are always well received. Both Special Herbs and Spices and MF EP are sick releases. Highly suggested you pick as much MF Grimm up as you can… hes criminally ignored.

4. The A-Team, AKA Aceyalone and Abstract Rude: Two of the best from Project Blowed. Acey gets tiring sometimes with his fast and sometimes over-confident rhymes, but it balances out perfectly with Abstracts melodic and often times more musical approach. Best songs on the album are “Show Em a Better Way” and “Me and my Main”.

3. Dangermouse and Jemini: Ghetto Pop Life is a great album. I know a lot of people aren’t fans of Dangermouses production but if you like his style this is a must have album. Jemini brings something different to the table with quick and fresh rhymes, and also isn’t afraid to sing. “Born a MC” is my favorite.

2. Dave Brubeck and the London Symphony Orchestra: One of my favorite jazz albums. Sick collaboration and its different then pretty much everything else out there. Hearing Take 5 played by a giant group of violins is great. “Unsquare Dance” is also great.

1. Talib Kweli and Madlib: Both Talib and Madlib put up “Liberation” (get it? talib + madlib!) on their respective myspaces for about a week each. Great album, though its way too short. While again not under appreciated at all in their own right, this is a little heard but great combination. The cover art is sweet to. “What Can I Do” shows both Talibs strengths as a rapper and Madlibs beat production prowess.

Who ever smelt it delt it

Farts, funny in first grade, still funny now; are generally considered unsuitable in a formal environment may be considered foul or offensive in some situations. On average, homo-sapiens produce 14 farts a day; but for some, a day could translate into an hour. Farts can be awkward, hilarious, sad, confusing, dramatic, loud, quiet, wet, flat, dry, and even silent. This article will answer any questions or confusions you may have about farting.

What is a fart?

The gas in our intestines comes from several sources: air we swallow, gas seeping into our intestines from our blood, gas produced by chemical reactions in our guts, and gas produced by bacteria living in our guts. Some say that the smell of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans in the mixture; while others say that carbon dioxide is odorless and it is the actual shit particles that react with your sensory cells in your nasal cavity of vertebrates which is generally why being engulfed in someone’s shit particles can often be unpleasant and not funny.

As recently discovered, the arse hole does not have its own stereo system, speakers, and amplifiers. The sound emitted from your poop chute actually comes from vibrations of your anal opening. If one is aiming for a loud fart, velocity of the expulsion is gas is key. If you’re all about the high notes, simply tighten your sphincter muscles.

Different types of farts:

1.) The obnoxious fat guy fart

a. Standard loud fart that can range from reasonably no smell to horrendously awful. Often blamed on dogs or scooting chairs.

i. Sounds like : Phbttttttttt!

2.) The gay guy fart

a. The gay guy fart occurs from lack of vibration between the arsehole lips. Often a good signal of who takes it up the butt.

i. Sounds like : Woooosh!

3.) The louis Armstrong

a. Brassy, hard fart that sounds like something that comes out of david mangold’s trumpet. Sometimes painful, generally odorless.

i. Sounds like : Berrrrrrrrrr!

4.) The drum solo

a. A series of short, hard farts. Can last from 3-10 seconds. Often occurs when sitting on a hard flat surface (metal bench) or when walking. One of the funnier types of fart.

i. Sounds like : Brat! Brat! Patata! Tat! Brat! Bat! Berrrrr…

5.) The dud fart

a. Not a fart at all. Often a shit mistaken for a fart. Comes with an after smell of disappointment.

i. Sounds like : -_-

6.) The Jon Chao

a. Most hilarious fart of all. Low or medium pitched fart that last for at least 3 seconds with no breaks, pauses, or change in frequency or pitch.

i. Sounds like : Jannnnnnnnnnnnn…

7.) Shart

a. An expulsion of milky feces along with your not so pleasant fart. The most disgusting, unwanted fart. Happens most frequently when doing some form of exercise.

i. Sounds like : shit.

8.) The black mamba

a. The traditional hissing fart. Occurs when there is some sort of obstruction of the anus preventing normal air flow.

i. Sounds like : SSsssssSssssss

9.) The rusty gate

a. Is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. Sounds like it would have been better if it had been oiled first. Hurts.

i. Sounds like : Eeerrrrrrrr…ripppp

10.) Silent Assasin

a. The infamous silent, atrocious, tear maker, nostril stinging fart that often results in a pointing of fingers and lame lines such as “who ever smelt it delt it”.

i. Sounds like : >_<

How to get rid of farts

The best way to get rid of unwanted gas is hands down, a standard ol’ shit. If your farts are generally odorless, this does not apply to you; simply just slowly loosen your sphincter muscles so no one can hear your barking spiders. Farts only really count when they smell. As explained above, the smell of farts comes from the poop particles mixed with your CO2; so the easiest way to get rid of that is releasing your poop particles in mass quantities. Crapping. If even after a good crap, you are still baking ass biscuits it means only one thing. You capped too soon. So jump back on that John and go at it again. Gimmicks and myths like beano and plugging your butt will never work. Beano does not get rid of your gas, it simply makes it all come out in a 10 minute period of butt blurping. As for holding your farts in, don’t. You WILL explode. The longer a fart is held in, the larger the proportion of inert nitrogen it contains, because the other gases tend to be absorbed into the bloodstream through the walls of the intestine. Unless you plan on creating a massive cheek flapper, don’t hold in your farts.

Some frequently pondered questions:

Do even movie stars fart?

Yes, of course. So do grandmothers, priests, kings, presidents, opera singers, beauty queens, and nuns. Even Yoda farts. (fart, Yoda does)

Can girls fart out of their muff?

Yes, it is true! The gas that emerges is simply trapped air, for there is no gas production in the genitalia of a woman. The air can enter because the system is open to the outside. This highly specialized kind of fart is sometimes called a queef. This occurs especially frequently during the sex act, when air in the genitalia gets compressed and is forced out at high pressure.

In the British Isles, this phenomenon is known as a “fanny fart.” Whereas, in the United States, “fanny” refers to the buttocks, in Great Britain, the word pertains to the female pudenda.

Can farting be considered sexy?

Everything imaginable, and many things not imaginable, can be considered sexy by humans. However, the female southern pine beetle exudes a pheromone called frontalin in her flatus that not only serves to attract males but acts as a general gathering call to both males and females of her species. Her farts are an invitation to an orgy. Unfortunately for her, her frontalin-laden farts also attract predators.

Can you eat your own fart?

The sense of taste detects substances that are either liquid or dissolved in liquid. You can taste a fart when the fart’s constituent molecules go into solution in your saliva.

Why do shower farts smell so bad?

There are several factors. First of all, a shower is a small, enclosed space, so the fart gas is more concentrated, and the high turbidity of the air in the shower circulates the gas through the space effectively. Secondly, the high humidity and high temperature conditions in the shower enhance a person’s sense of smell and taste. The farts don’t actually smell worse, it’s just that we can smell them better than usual.
Similar conditions prevail in the bathtub.

Can you freeze your fart for later?

The water vapor component of farts would freeze quite readily, but to freeze the entire fart would require high pressure and low temperature conditions such as that used to produce dry ice. The fart’s composition would be unchanged by the process, and hence would still be smelly upon reversion to the gaseous state.

Can you get high off farts?

Hippies do this all the time when they are out of bud. Most farts contain very little oxygen, and you may experience dizziness if you are inhaling overly concentrated fart essence, simply from lack of oxygen. On the other hand, if you are inhaling farts in the open air and are breathing rapidly in order to inhale as much fart as possible, you may be hyperventilating, which also induces dizziness.

That is all for now

- Jason

Double Vision: The Reattachment Movement begins

Many things that would seem to be very different are actually surprisingly similar.

-Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton

-Hot Cheetos and Firey Hot Cheetos

-Jesus and I

-Jon Chao and My Dream Girl

-Women and Objects

-Asians and Calculators

-All mainstream rappers

-Geoffrey Goddard and Justin Passek

 

The last one, Geoffrey and Justin, is an interesting case. The two Head-Royce students both live in North Berkeley. The appearances are the same (although Justin is extra pubescent). The tall blondes each have awful hair and are goofy guys. Each has an interest in soccer. Both happened to play JV soccer freshman year, and then get called up to varsity. They also happen to play on the same Sting soccer team outside of school. They both take two languages, both of which are French and Latin. Each of them participated in the Bike to School event and were both biking with the group known as “Beast Mode Boys Boys”.

GeeGee and JayPee are essentially the same person. On Friday the 16^th of May, Geoffrey and Justin happened to each have a black line written on the same arm. On this day, they got off at the same bus stop together, and were both going to the same store to purchase some new shoes. To top it off, they both could not find shoes they were looking for. These similarities are becoming disturbing. It seems to me that Justin is copying his style. Metaphorically, Justin is suckling on Geoffrey’s lactating nipples.

            It has been rumored that Wendell and Dessa cloned Geoffrey, and Justin is the product. This would guarantee the production of a successful child. In Asian cultures it is common to mass produce children to secure a comfortable retirement for the parents. Jon Chao is an example of an Asian. This theory is supported by the fact that they were born two days apart. It is very concievable that the Goddards cloned Geoffrey during these two days.

            Perhaps they were Siamese twins that were separated at birth. This would explain their distorted faces.

            In an effort to bring these two brothers back together, I propose a reattachment. The reattachment would return the system to its natural order, the way God meant it to be. The Reattachment Movement begins here and now!

-Theo

 

Reptilian Humanoids

The Reptilian Humanoid, a creature that has long lived “under the radar,” is rising in popularity again, as its face has appeared much more often in society.  Along with Reptilian Humanoid, they are also often called Snakepeople, Reptoids, or lizardfolk.  We have discovered these creatures in Europe, East Asia, India, and the middle east.  They were first spotted in the ancient city of Ur in Mesopatamia.  Ever since, reptilian humanoids have been spotted across the world, and continue to be a very saught-after creature. I know this was short, but I gtg. I’m out…peace

E-Man aka Erkel